Penisis or Penai

If you’re having a little boy, you will have to make the decision on whether or not you are going to have him circumcised. We personally decided that we wanted this done. I’ve heard some hospitals suggest that you have a urologist do this a week after you leave the hospital because the baby is often sleepy and will want to sleep all day which means they won’t eat as much and may drop weight. However, we decided that we were going to do it while we were in the hospital. It turns out that the same doctor that did M’s is one of the most sought out urologist’s in Charlotte so we felt like M was in good hands.

The nurse told us beforehand that there are two different types of surgeries but that the doctor will let us know which one he will do before they do it. Come to find out, depending on what type of penis your child has will depend on the type of surgery. Who knew that there were different types of wieners??? This lead to the discussion between my husband and me about what was the plural of penis? Is it penises or penai? (Keep in mind, all of this was in front of the nurse who probably thinks that we’re nuts.) We looked it up. Plural penis is penises.

Like I said before, they did not give us an option of which kind of surgery that we wanted because it all depends on the type of wiener your child has. I tried to look up the different type of wieners but couldn’t find a reliable source to tell me about it (sigh). But I can go over the different procedures.

Type 1 – Cutting the Foreskin

The first type has been around for years. This type is where they cut the foreskin off of the tip. This procedure lasts about 30 minutes.

Type 2 – The Ring

Basically, they place this little plastic ring around the tip and it’s supposed to fall off in the following 7-10 days. This procedure lasts about 15 minutes max.

Dr. Perez comes in and tells us that M has the type of wiener where you could have either type of surgery and we get to pick which surgery we wanted. This translates to my husband who proceeds to throw up his hands and say, “I knew it, he has the perfect penis.” In front of the doctor. (SIGH)

If any of you know me, decisions are not my thing. I stress out to the max when it comes to making important decisions. Which one is better? What type is more common? What is the least maintenance? What one will guarantee that I won’t mess up and in turn my son won’t have a messed up penis in which he will hate me forever for????

The doctor was very patient and understanding with me on this. He said that Type 1 (Cutting the Foreskin) requires us to put Vaseline around the tip for the next week. If it gets swollen then we’ll have to pull the skin down and put Vaseline in it. Meanwhile, you don’t do anything with the ring until the day it falls off. After the ring falls off all you have to do is put Vaseline around the tip for the next 24 hours. We decided that we were going to go with the ring because it seemed less stressful for me.

The surgery went great and M was not really cranky after that.

After Labor

Once you are done with labor, they move you into a much smaller room for the next couple of nights. The nurses were awesome and they came in every couple of hours to check on you. What they don’ t tell you is that you have to wear these sweet and super heinous sexy mesh panties that look like panty-hose and come up over your belly button and almost down to your mid-thigh with a super huge pad that acts as a diaper because your na-na bleeds for the next 4-6 weeks. NOBODY TOLD ME THAT!! So with the super attractive nursing bra, these mesh panties/diapers on, you are just one attractive lady. My husband informed me if I looked like this 10 months ago we wouldn't be in this situation. Har har har, Keller. They also didn't tell me that over the next couple of days, the nurses and doctors have to come by to push down on your stomach to push out the fluids/blood. And it is NOT a pleasant feeling.

If I have one suggestion, it’s that you send your baby back to the nursery at night. When we went on our hospital tour, they told us that they didn't like for parents to send their children back to the nursery and they wanted the child to stay with them at all times. Well, thank goodness for our nurse, who at 4:00 am the following morning, suggested that we let her take him to the nursery and bring him out for feedings. I had heard that this was the thing to do but was also nervous because I didn't want to get judged. It was the best decision we made because that was the longest sleep that I had gotten and was going to get for the next couple of nights after leaving the hospital.

The lactation specialist:

What they don’t tell you? That the lactation specialist makes you feel like a failure. Now, this was just my experience. Many of you may have had different ones. I was nursing M when the lactation specialist came in and she immediately started “correcting” me and telling me what I was doing wrong. I had been doing this for two days thus far and all the nurses had been telling me what a great job I was doing so it really annoyed me. When I told her I had been getting the same “gulping” noises (that says he is getting the proper amount of milk) she was getting whenever I was nursing the “wrong” way she chose not to believe it. This not only made me SUPER annoyed but she also made me feel like a total failure which in turn made me feel like I was starving my child. And then after she stole my confidence, she just left! She didn't tell me to re-latch to try it again, she just said, “okay, got it?” and left!

Apart from the lactation specialist, everyone was super helpful. The next few days that you’re in there you will have the doctors that come by to push down on your stomach and check on you, the nurses that help you and the baby, and then the other nurses that come in to check your vitals. I lucked out in having great nurses that would try to schedule the check-ins all at one time so they weren't disturbing us all different times which allowed us to sleep more. 

Labor Day: The Delivery Room - Part 2

**Disclaimer: This post is graphic. I spare no details. So if you have a weak stomach, don't want to know that much information about me (or the birthing process), or just don't care then you should stop reading now**

So I have been admitted and we are now in the delivery room and I feel like I.am.dying. Originally, if someone would ask if I was going to get an epidural I would have said I am not opposed to it but I wanted to see how it went. If I got too uncomfortable I would definitely have one but I have a pretty high pain tolerance so I wanted to wait it out because I always have thought having a natural childbirth would be cool. Wrong. My first words to the nurse was “I need an epidural on.the.fly.” BUT due to the fact that I was sent home last night, all my paperwork had been processed which meant I had to redo all the paperwork I had done the previous night – including the epidural paperwork. Of course, that wasn't going to happen since I had to have the doctor in to check my cervix before they could send for the anesthesiologist. They have to do this because if you get past a certain point of labor you are no longer able to get an epidural. I was PRAYING that I was not past this point because if this were the case I would have probably asked for a gun. And to think, all of this could have been avoided if they had admitted me last night. Idiots.

Fifteen minutes later, the doctor had arrived to check my cervix. At this point, it feels like everyone and their sister, brother, and friends had seen my na-na (vagina). I know I was very comfortable with my body before but it brought my comfort to a-whole-nother level. The doctor told us that she was going to approve the epidural now but it would probably be 20 minutes before the anesthesiologist could make it to our room and if the pain was too intense that they could give me something that would take the edge off the pain. However, when I mentioned that I wanted it I noticed the nurse was a little wary about it. When I asked her why, she said that it often makes people drowsy and disoriented so if you liked being in control she wouldn't suggest it. Thank goodness for Nurse Lady – I declined and said that I would soldier through the next twenty minutes. I had come this far, right?

Forty minutes later, both Nurse Ladies were looking a little panicky in wondering where the hell the Anesthesiologist Lady was because I’m sure they knew I was about to flip the *H* out. I know this due to the fact they were looking at each other and at one point both left the room to find said Lady. I finally looked at my husband and said “find the *effing* lady now or I will murder someone.” (I will say that I am proud of myself since this was the only time that I lost it and if you know me, that says A LOT!) My panic-stricken husband looked so lost and was getting up to find Anesthesiologist Lady when she FINALLY walked in the door saying “did someone call for an epidural??” in her singsong voice. MURDERRR LADY MURDERR!!! If I could have moved I would have punched her in the throat.

Now, the epidural was NOT pleasant by any means but it was SOO worth it! And my husband kept me sane the entire time while getting it. He was seriously the cutest. As I was finishing up the epidural, my other “rock” came in: my older sister, Sarah. The epidural was in and life was GOOD. Then comes the waiting.

A couple of hours later, the fabulous doctor Kathryn came in to check my cervix again and said, “let’s have a baby!” YAYYYYYY!!!!

What they don’t tell you: As the baby is shifting down your na-na, it feels like you are pooping. Seriously. I even asked my husband in a state of panic “omg am I pooping??” to which he responded, “no, I don’t see anything.” Bless him for looking because I know how hard that was LOL. They also don’t tell you that your “coaches” don’t hold your hands like they do in the movies, they hold a leg. This is what freaked Josh out the most because he did not want to watch and I kind of liked it that way. BUT since he was holding a leg, he said that “it was like a trainwreck, I just couldn't look away.” Thanks, sir. Then the pushing started. They tell you that you push from your abs just like you’re taking a big deuce bowel movement. I’m serious, it feels like just that. I literally felt like I was sh*tting a baby. By then M’s head was starting to come out. My husband tells me that it’s at this point that he realizes that nothing can hurt the na-na because the doctor has BOTH hands INSIDE the na-na to coax the head out. Then Doc looks at me and says, “you’re going to tear anyways, so I’m just going to cut you.” She gets what looks like regular scissors and cuts my na-na. Thank goodness I couldn't feel anything but it sounded like a “snip snip” that sounds like it’s just cutting paper… LIKE CUTTING A PIECE OF PAPER!! That was my na-na!! My poor husband looks at me like a deer in headlights with a pale, sweaty face. This was the one point that I thought I was going to lose him. From then on, he kept his eyes on my face. My sister on the other hand was a champ and watched the ENTIRE thing! Several pushes later I hear the most beautiful sound in the world: my child screaming. I cried ugly tears. I looked at my sister, she was crying and then I looked to my wonderful husband – he was also crying. It was the most perfect moment of my entire life and it still amazes me to know that I could have so much love in my heart so quickly for this little guy.

**Recap: at 5:26 pm on July 5, 2013, Mason Alexander was born weighing exactly 8 lbs and measuring 21.5 inches**

Back to the story. Doc did ask us if we wanted to cut the umbilical to which was both a little much for us so we chose to pass on that one. For some reason I always thought you had to push again to get the placenta out but Doc literally pushed down on my stomach and pulled it out. That was the grossest thing I have EVER seen in my entire life. It looked like a jellyfish!

After you give birth, they have to press on your stomach to get all your fluid stuff out. I still could not feel from the waist down. What they don’t tell you: if you have to fart, you’re going to and you have no say in the matter. There’s no “holding it in.” I felt it going down my backside and heard it come out of my body. If you know my family, you know that we can laugh about bodily functions forever. I look at my sister ready to laugh and she will not look at me BUT I KNOW she’s laughing because I see her shoulders moving up and down. I turn to my husband because I know he’ll laugh too and he’s avoiding eye contact. So here I am laying on the bed having just farted all over Nurse Lady and am trying not to laugh but can’t help but smiling and NOBODY will laugh with me! So homegirl totally thought that I was just laughing because I farted all over her and I was a total weirdo. BUT my sister and I laughed VERY hard about it later.

After Doc got me sewn up and I got cleaned up, the fam was allowed to come in. Everyone loved M just as much as we did and all was right in the world. Here are some pics: 

Labor Day: Our Story - Part 1

This is the truth. Every labor story is different. But here is how ours went:

I started getting contractions on the evening of July 4^th at my parents cookout by the pool. We calmly left. Around 11:30 pm I was having contractions 5 minutes a part that lasted about a minute, lasting an hour. The whole 5-1-1 rule was in effect so I was good to go to the hospital, right?  We called the lady at the hospital line and they told us to come in. Once we were at the hospital, they checked my cervix.

What they don’t tell you is that there is no need for modesty. They get you in a gown and literally spread your legs to check your cervix. My poor husband was sitting in the small chair at the end of the bed and was totally thrown off guard by the nurse checking me. At least give us a heads up, lady! And then it seems like everyone and their brother comes in to check you. Seriously, we had like three different people. Well, I had only dilated 2 cm (sigh). So they had me start walking. They (and yes, it was multiple people) checked me again an hour later after I had been walking around the floor of the hospital trying to walk this kid out.

After they told us that I hadn't dilated any further, the nurse told us we could either keep walking for another hour or we could go home and wait it out. Well, I am not one for hospitals so we loaded back up to go home.

The plus side? I had my “bloody show.” The worst feeling ever? Being sent home, and then walking into the waiting room to tell your family that you were being sent home. However, they were SUPER supportive and agreed with me that it was stupid that I was being sent home just to have to be readmitted again tomorrow.

We finally got back home around 2:30 am. At this point, we thought that we had a ton of time and we wouldn't be going back to the hospital until my contractions started kicking up which would be sometime in the afternoon. Having that said, my husband’s throat had been bothering him so he decided to take some NyQuil. Not even an hour later, guess who started having contractions and thought they were dying?! ME ME ME! This puts it around 3:00 am and I woke up to what felt like I was being stabbed in the uterus with a butcher’s knife. I was in the fetal position crouched over my knees in the bed trying to breathe through these suckers. Seriously, there were times I thought I was dying. My husband? Fast.Asleep. The previous night I had downloaded a contraction app that would time my contractions, let me know how far apart they were, and kept record of all of them. While I am trying to get through said contractions alive, I am also trying to press the button on the app to time them. Meanwhile, my husband is in a coma oblivious to everything going on.

The contractions were getting so bad that I finally had to give the phone to Josh to help me press the buttons. This did not go very well. I would shout at him tell him to push the button but then he would fall back asleep only to be woken back up by me yelling at him to hit the button again. Bless his heart, I wanted to MURDER him. All the while, I’m telling myself that one day I WILL laugh about this.

This went on from around 4:30 am – 7:00 am. At 7:00 am, we moved into the den where Josh was trying to talk me into calling the hospital back. I was already sour with them for sending me home so I was determined to wait until my doctor’s office opened at 8:00 am (which is at the hospital) because they were NOT going to send me home again.

FINALLY, 8:00 am came around and I called into my doctor’s office. At this point, my contractions were now starting to be about 4 minutes apart last a little over a minute which had been going on for over an hour. By the time we got there my contractions were 3 minutes apart lasting for 2 minutes. I checked in and then waited in the waiting room thinking “what the he**, I’m having contractions, I will murder someone if I don’t go back soon.” I saw a nurse come out to get someone and look at me mid-contraction. Not even a minute later, this beautiful amazing angel nurse was my savior and called me back telling us that the other nurse said I looked like I was in pain and the doctor was going to see me first. SUCCESS IS MINE!!! The doctor checked me and said “looks like we’re having a baby today! You’re 4 cm dilated, let’s get you over to the labor unit.” At this point, I could kiss his face because if he had told me that I was being sent home, I would have gone off the deep end to a place I've never gone before and there would have been pain brought onto those around me.

Heading out Round 2

Pregnancy Recap

I realized I have missed a lot of posts so here is a recap of how I have progressed through the pregnancy:

I'm not sure exactly when this was but I think it was 10 - 12 Weeks

16 Weeks

6 Months

7 Months

9 Months

Hurry up and get here Mason!!

Don't Eff with Mommy

Remember when Joshy informed me that he didn't tell me Happy Mother’s Day or get me any presents because I wasn't a mother yet? (Not that I’m still sour about it or anything.) Well, Father’s Day was this past Sunday. We were going to Hickory to spend the weekend with Josh’s parents so I decided that I would give Josh his presents early. So I went over to my parents’ house Friday afternoon before he got home to wrap his presents. Saturday morning when we got up and ready to leave I asked him if he would like his Father’s Day presents now or on Sunday when we got home. He got this really confused look on his face and said, “But I’m not a father.” To that point I explained to him that I thought he was considered a father right now.

So I went to retrieve his presents and gave it to him. He pulled out his brand new driver that he wanted as well as his new Puma hat (that was SO cute!). You should have seen the look on his face. It was a mix of disbelief, guilt, and “oh sh** I’m in deep trouble.” And it was glorious. He said again that he wasn't a father and shouldn't have gotten a present but this time his statement didn't have the strength that was there the first time. So what did I do? I offered to take it back. Did he want that to happen? No. End result? VICTORY IS MINE!!! If all else fails, kill them with kindness.

Son, if there is one thing that you should know right now. Don’t eff with Mommy because I win. I always do. Mommy is always right. The sooner you learn this the better off you’ll be ;-)) 

Syd's Graduation

Wanted to give a big shout out to my little sister, Syd, in graduating this past weekend! We are SO proud of her and know that she is going to have a BLAST in starting her new chapter in life at Western Carolina. WE LOVE YOU SYD!!

Lilly during the ceremony

Sisters!