So I have been admitted and we are now in the delivery room and I feel like I.am.dying. Originally, if someone would ask if I was going to get an epidural I would have said I am not opposed to it but I wanted to see how it went. If I got too uncomfortable I would definitely have one but I have a pretty high pain tolerance so I wanted to wait it out because I always have thought having a natural childbirth would be cool. Wrong. My first words to the nurse was “I need an epidural on.the.fly.” BUT due to the fact that I was sent home last night, all my paperwork had been processed which meant I had to redo all the paperwork I had done the previous night – including the epidural paperwork. Of course, that wasn't going to happen since I had to have the doctor in to check my cervix before they could send for the anesthesiologist. They have to do this because if you get past a certain point of labor you are no longer able to get an epidural. I was PRAYING that I was not past this point because if this were the case I would have probably asked for a gun. And to think, all of this could have been avoided if they had admitted me last night. Idiots.
Fifteen minutes later, the doctor had arrived to check my
cervix. At this point, it feels like everyone and their sister, brother, and
friends had seen my na-na (vagina). I know I was very comfortable with my body
before but it brought my comfort to a-whole-nother level. The doctor told us
that she was going to approve the epidural now but it would probably be 20
minutes before the anesthesiologist could make it to our room and if the pain
was too intense that they could give me something that would take the edge off
the pain. However, when I mentioned that I wanted it I noticed the nurse was a
little wary about it. When I asked her why, she said that it often makes people
drowsy and disoriented so if you liked being in control she wouldn't suggest
it. Thank goodness for Nurse Lady – I declined and said that I would soldier
through the next twenty minutes. I had come this far, right?
Forty minutes later, both Nurse Ladies were looking a
little panicky in wondering where the hell the Anesthesiologist Lady was
because I’m sure they knew I was about to flip the *H* out. I know this due to
the fact they were looking at each other and at one point both left the room to
find said Lady. I finally looked at my husband and said “find the *effing*
lady now or I will murder someone.” (I will say that I am proud of myself since
this was the only time that I lost it and if you know me, that says A LOT!) My
panic-stricken husband looked so lost and was getting up to find Anesthesiologist
Lady when she FINALLY walked in the door saying “did someone call for an
epidural??” in her singsong voice. MURDERRR LADY MURDERR!!! If I could have moved
I would have punched her in the throat.
Now, the epidural was NOT pleasant by any means but it
was SOO worth it! And my husband kept me sane the entire time while getting it.
He was seriously the cutest. As I was finishing up the epidural, my other
“rock” came in: my older sister, Sarah. The epidural was in and life was GOOD.
Then comes the waiting.
A couple of hours later, the fabulous doctor Kathryn came
in to check my cervix again and said, “let’s have a baby!” YAYYYYYY!!!!
What they don’t
tell you: As the baby is shifting down your na-na, it feels like you
are pooping. Seriously. I even asked my husband in a state of panic “omg am I
pooping??” to which he responded, “no, I don’t see anything.” Bless him for
looking because I know how hard that was LOL. They also don’t tell you that your “coaches” don’t hold your
hands like they do in the movies, they hold a leg. This is what freaked Josh
out the most because he did not want to watch and I kind of liked it that way.
BUT since he was holding a leg, he said that “it was like a trainwreck, I just
couldn't look away.” Thanks, sir. Then the pushing started. They tell you that
you push from your abs just like you’re taking a big deuce bowel
movement. I’m serious, it feels like just that. I literally felt like I was
sh*tting a baby. By then M’s head was starting to come out. My husband tells me
that it’s at this point that he realizes that nothing can hurt the na-na
because the doctor has BOTH hands INSIDE the na-na to coax the head out. Then
Doc looks at me and says, “you’re going to tear anyways, so I’m just going to
cut you.” She gets what looks like regular scissors and cuts my na-na. Thank
goodness I couldn't feel anything but it sounded like a “snip snip” that sounds
like it’s just cutting paper… LIKE CUTTING A PIECE OF PAPER!! That was my
na-na!! My poor husband looks at me like a deer in headlights with a pale,
sweaty face. This was the one point that I thought I was going to lose him.
From then on, he kept his eyes on my face. My sister on the other hand was a
champ and watched the ENTIRE thing! Several pushes later I hear the most
beautiful sound in the world: my child screaming. I cried ugly tears. I looked
at my sister, she was crying and then I looked to my wonderful husband – he was
also crying. It was the most perfect moment of my entire life and it still
amazes me to know that I could have so much love in my heart so quickly for
this little guy.
**Recap: at 5:26
pm on July 5, 2013, Mason Alexander was born weighing exactly 8 lbs and
measuring 21.5 inches**
Back to the story. Doc did ask us if we wanted to cut the
umbilical to which was both a little much for us so we chose to pass on that
one. For some reason I always thought you had to push again to get the placenta
out but Doc literally pushed down on my stomach and pulled it out. That was the
grossest thing I have EVER seen in my entire life. It looked like a jellyfish!
After you give birth, they have to press on your stomach
to get all your fluid stuff out. I still could not feel from the waist down. What they don’t tell you: if you
have to fart, you’re going to and you have no say in the matter. There’s no
“holding it in.” I felt it going down my backside and heard it come out of my
body. If you know my family, you know that we can laugh about bodily functions
forever. I look at my sister ready to laugh and she will not look at me BUT I
KNOW she’s laughing because I see her shoulders moving up and down. I turn to
my husband because I know he’ll laugh too and he’s avoiding eye contact. So
here I am laying on the bed having just farted all over Nurse Lady and am
trying not to laugh but can’t help but smiling and NOBODY will laugh with me!
So homegirl totally thought that I was just laughing because I farted all over
her and I was a total weirdo. BUT my sister and I laughed VERY hard about it
later.
After Doc got me sewn up and I got cleaned up, the fam
was allowed to come in. Everyone loved M just as much as we did and all was
right in the world. Here are some pics:
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